Goddess
by Aidan1
Summary: Everything is different, except the same, and stuff


Tara walked briskly towards the Summers residence. Her hair tied up in a loose bun, purse slung tightly across her chest, green skirt grazing the sidewalk, she appeared calm and collected. Yet her eyes betrayed her body. She had been, for lack of a better term, wigged beyond the telling of it earlier that morning. It had been just another day for her, as she entered the Magic Box to help Anya set up the store, but that changed as soon as she opened the front door and saw a giant bunny straddling Anya and beating her senseless.  
  
"Anya! Liberare!" The giant bunny was forced back by Tara's spell, and it growled un-bunnylike at her.  
  
"Tara?" Anya stood up and ran to her friend's side.  
  
"What the hell is that?" Tara held Anya's arm tightly, pushing herself between Anya and the bunny, who continued to growl.  
  
"That was a man, I made into a giant bunny when I was a demon. He attacked me before, and now he's back to finish the job!" Anya spun into Tara's arms and buried her face in Tara's chest.  
  
"I'm so- wait. You were a demon. That, that is a giant bunny. Demon plus giant bunny equals, equals dead giant bunny. How did it attack you before?" Anya removed her teary face from Tara's body and looked up at her in amazement.  
  
"What?" The two girls turned to the bunny, who, just as suddenly as he had appeared, vanished into the air. "What were we talking about again?"  
  
"You don't remember?"  
  
"Remember what? Oh, yeah, I'm having Xander's baby!" Anya leapt up off of Tara and spun around. "I wonder if spinning damages a fetus. Maybe I should sit down."  
  
"Um, I need to go."  
  
Tara reached the front door of Buffy's and took a moment to calm herself. Yes, something weird was going on, but it couldn't be any weirder than anything they had faced before.  
  
"Oh-OH-OH-OHHHHHHHH! Spike!" Maybe not. Tara had just walked into a Buffy/Spike marathons session, still in progress on the dinning room table.  
  
"Cor, very Cor, baby!" Spike thrust once, twice, and Buffy looked three times the happy. "Arghh! GrrrrRRRRRRR!"  
  
"Fill me with your undead seed! Oh, I want you licking me all over! Ohhh!" Spike's thrusts began slamming Buffy into the wooden table, and his screams pierced her ears to the point that her ears began to bleed. Seeing this, Spike began greedily lapping it up, sticking his tongue deep into her eardrum. Tara tasted vomit in her mouth.  
  
"Um…I- Buffy what are you doing?!" Tara spastically declared. The two lovers turned toward her, and Spike slipped himself out of Buffy, knocking over a vase in front of him.  
  
"Tara- How did you get in?"  
  
"Still have a key. And you…you said- you said that he was, well-"  
  
"Through, guardian of the nibblet?" Spike answered as he swaggered over to Tara, "you thought you and Buffy were gonna be together forever? Well Bob's yer uncle you were wrong.Rrrrrrrrr." Spikes leaned his arm against the wall next to Tara, causing his little spike to slap her in the leg. She backed up and moved around him to re-enter the dining room.  
  
"No, no. I- Buffy-," Tara looked at her friend, who was performing nude gymnastics on the table, "never. No. What are you doing, Buff?"  
  
"I'm stretching out my nubile body for another go at it. You can join us if you'd like." Buffy moved into a headstand as she slipped her underwear on.  
  
"Um, no, that's ok. I thought it was over between you two."  
  
"Well, Cor, she can't get enough of her William the Bloody. Say, you got a tissue on you?" Tara rummaged around her purse, but shrugged her shoulders no. "Do you have a used one? Gets me in the mood for rampant undead sex-having."  
  
"Again, no. Buffy?" Tara grabbed her friends arm, knocking her off the table, "We need to talk." Leading the topless girl roughly, Tara ran up the stairs and then locked the two of them in Buffy's room. "What- what in the world is going on? You said nothing about you two still being together, or about him having a bloody nose fetish."  
  
"You should see how he is when my cousin comes to visit. He's an animal."  
  
"Your cousin? I don't- Oh, eww." Tara slumped down in a chair and watched as Buffy began stroking and grinding her bed. "I'll ask again. What is going on?"  
  
"Oh, I'm just so- My slayer muscles need to expend more energy. When I'm patrolling I usually have time to use a stake as a dildo, but it just can't relieve the pressure I have now."  
  
"What."  
  
"My special slayer sex muscles. It gives me optimum orgasmic pleasure every time I have sex. Usually un unison with my partners." Buffy stood up and began staring at herself in the mirror as she pulled on a T-shirt. "Do you think I'm fat?"  
  
"Ok, I'm still having trouble getting over the whole slayer-sex muscles thing. And wouldn't a stake get, like, um, splintery? That's one place I would not like to have a tweezers near and then there's the fact that I've never seen you do this and- you're not fat." Buffy turned back to look at Tara and pouted.  
  
"But soon I will be. God, I hate the idea of me being pregnant."  
  
"Crazy girl say what?"  
  
"I'm glad you know. Now we can start planning for my shower. Wow, I wonder if the baby will be half-slayer, half-vampire." Buffy continued to stroke her stomach as Tara jumped out of her seat and grabbed Buffy by the shoulders.  
  
"What do you mean, pregnant? A vampire doesn't have sperm! A vampire is dead!"  
  
"No, I'm having Angle's baby." Tara's jaw dropped.  
  
"Angel's baby? But he's a vampire, and soul and Willow told me that sex means bad Angel and-" Buffy turned to Tara and gave her a big hug.  
  
"Don't worry, he's human now. He's just a vampire some of the time." Tara pushed Buffy away and backed up into a bookcase.  
  
"No. This makes no sense this is wrong. You- He can't be partly vampire, and you can't be still having sex with Spike."  
  
"Yes I can. I'm the Slayer. My slayer powers must have awoken his baby-making capabilities. And in fact, Spike and I had sex on that very bookcase." Tara leapt away from the bookcase and ran for the door.  
  
"Don't move a muscle. I'll be right back." Tara slammed the door and ran down the hall, looking for someone with some semblance of normality. "Dawn! Dawn! Willow!" Dawn stepped out of her room with a glum look on her face.  
  
"Hi." Tara ran to her with her arms wide open.  
  
"Oh thank god-"  
  
"Goddess." Tara stopped mid-run.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You have to say goddess."  
  
"No, I don't." Dawn stepped out of her doorway and into the hall, exposing her very expanded stomach.  
  
"Oh my god," Dawn glared at her, "-dess. What happened?"  
  
"Spike got me pregnant, and Buffy won't let me get an abortion."  
  
"Who got you what now?"  
  
"Spike, he shared his dark, dead seed with me and now I am carrying the anti-christ."  
  
"Oh. OK. I'm gonna just walk away right now, but I still love you. You know that, right?" Dawn crossed her arms, resting them on her swollen tummy.  
  
"You don't love me. Go ahead. Run to Willow, run to her. I don't care. I'm gonna go have sex with Janice." Janice took that opportunity to stick her head out of the doorway.  
  
"Dawn I-," Tara started out in fright, then stopped herself, "nevermind. Just remember to saran wrap." As she bounded down the stairs Tara heard the sound of plastic unrolling, and swung the door open with a flick of her wrist before running towards the campus, then deciding otherwise, she opted for Spike's car. "Hermes, grant me the power over this transportation. Guide it swiftly to its destination. I demand of thee with this invocation. Get me away from this devastation. Movere!" The car jerked slightly before whizzing off to Sunnydale University, where she found Willow and Oz, making out under a tree. "What the hell is this!" Losing her concentration, Tara caused the car to jerk to a violent stop, then jumped out of the car and ran up to her former girlfriend. "How the fuck did he get here? Why the fuck are you kissing him?" The couple continued to kiss, and Tara kicked Willow in the ass. "Why the fuck don't you care that I'm even standing here?"  
  
"Tara?" Willow sat up quickly. "I thought you were dead!"  
  
"Who's Tara?"  
  
"We met before. You attacked me as a werewolf."  
  
"No, I'm a good werewolf, we got that under control with lots of redhead sex." The two lovebirds touched noses and giggled.  
  
"No, you didn't. what you felt towards Willow was like the only thing that made you change. That's why you had to go. And besides, she liked me!" Willow stood up and hugged Tara briefly, then moved back towards Oz.  
  
"But, you died in a horrible lesbian-demon accident, and in a last, dying request, told me to stop being silly and go back to men, as I had never shown any interest in women before you." Willow began to kiss Oz and Tara pushed her against the tree.  
  
"NO. This is too fucked up for me! Just because you didn't find anyone sans a penis before me does not make you silly!"  
  
"It doesn't?" Oz crawled over and began licking Willow's boots.  
  
"No. I'm sorry. I just, its too confusing." Tara slumped into the grass, her hands on her head. Willow sat next to her, putting her arm over her ex-girlfriend's shoulder.  
  
"It's gonna be alright." Oz perked his head up.  
  
"Yeah. How about we all have sex together, that'll fix us good!" Tara jumped up and shuddered for what must have been the fifth time that day.  
  
"Oh god no." Willow and Oz looked at her quizzically, then, in unison, replied.  
  
"You're supposed to say goddess." Tara glowered at them, then stomped off the campus, in the direction of Xander and Anya's apartment.  
  
"Hello, anybody home?" Tara crept into the apartment with caution, expecting the worst, but certainly not-  
  
"Aunt Tara!" A little boy no older than two, jet black hair sticking wildly up, wrapped his arms around her legs.  
  
"Hi, I'm Tara. Who are you?"  
  
"Stop kidding, Aunt Tara. I'm Jesse Harris."  
  
"And that makes you…Oh god."  
  
"You're supposed to say goddess."  
  
"Right. Listen, is your daddy in?" Tara looked around the corner and saw Xander, changing another baby's diapers. "Xander?"  
  
"Oh, hi Tara," Xander looked over his shoulder at her, "Just changing Connor's diapers. Boy, this kid can poop."  
  
"Connor? Who is Connor? For that matter, who is Jesse?"  
  
"I'm Jesse." The little tyke pointed to himself.  
  
"Precious. Now who is this baby?"  
  
"Oh, this baby is Angle's."  
  
"Angel's. You both got that wrong."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind. Is it Angel's baby with Buffy, cuz she can't be more than in her first tri-"  
  
"Buffy's pregnant? We have to have a meeting!" Xander began rushing around the apartment, getting baby supplies together.  
  
"Yes we do. But first we have to call one." Xander waved her off.  
  
"Just go. As soon as we get there a meeting will have already begun."  
  
"But that makes no- yes, I guess it does." Tara left the apartment and walked steadily to Buffy's house, which, despite being at least ten miles away, took her ten minutes on foot to reach. She walked up the steps and entered a house in chaos. People screamed, babies cried, and Spike was humping the hell out of a banister. Riley appeared and briskly led Tara into the kitchen.  
  
"I need you to deliver my wife's baby, now."  
  
"Huh? Sam isn't-"  
  
"Sam? No, Buffy. She's about to give birth." Indeed, Buffy Summer's belly looked about to burst, and her legs kicked wildly in the air, as she screamed obscenities.  
  
"But that Buffy- that baby is Angel's."  
  
"Angel? No, he became a super-vamp and I slayed him. Then Buffy and I got married, and now she's having my baby! Its made us very religious."  
  
"Um, yeah. I've heard a lot of Jesus Christs from her in the past fifteen seconds. Wait- Angel?" Out of the shadows of the kitchen, Angel appeared.  
  
"Yes, it is I, Angel. I've come to ensure that my baby comes out alright. I care about all my childes."  
  
"Your what?" Riley pushed past Tara, nearly knocking her down on his way towards Angel.  
  
"This is my child, and my wife! You leave us alone, fiend!" Riley produced a stake from his pocket, and lifted it up high.  
  
"Um, honey," Buffy begged, her arm outstretched, "can you hand me that? I'm feeling a little tense and I need a release."  
  
"Oh eww!" Tara squealed. She looked for help in the living room but instead found. Jonathan and Warren engaging in back-door sex on the rug. "Forget it." Tara walked past them and ran upstairs, where Willow, dressed all in leather, was wiping Spike.  
  
"More! More! You know how daddy loves the pain. Oh! Cor! That's the stuff!"  
  
"MmmmmTara. Want to join us? Faith is coming soon, and I do mean-"  
  
"Faith? Tara ran into the master bedroom, where Faith was being gratified by Kendra.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I am Kendra, the vampyre layer. What are you doing here, magick user?"  
  
"Leaving. Quickly." Tara ran downstairs, in time to slip on something liquid and sticky on the floor. Xander, wearing a baby harness on the front and the back to hold both children, held up Dawn's newly emerged child in the air.  
  
"Mazzeltoff!" Giles took the baby from Xander and motioned for him to sit down. Tara ran to the elder Scooby, a bright smile on her face.  
  
"Leave that baby alone. He is not yours to manhandle."  
  
"Hey, I'll manhandle any baby I want or my name isn't Z-A-N-D-E-R."  
  
"Actually, your first name is Alexander. Now keep your grubby hands away from the baby, and sit sideways, you're crushing the baby in the back.  
  
"My name is Jesse."  
  
"Yes, yes it is." Giles shook his head at the three of them.  
  
"Giles! I'm so glad you're back. Now we can sort out-" Giles was oblivious to her, as he bent down and hugged Dawn, placing the baby in her arms.  
  
"He's beautiful. He has your smile and my eyes." They began to kiss.  
  
"Oh my God!" Tara looked around the room as everyone in the house, including her, continued, "Goddess." Tara rolled her eyes, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. This makes absolutely no sense. Everything's confused and nothing is real and some girl with a Jamaican accent is doing a killer and I don't know anymore." There was silence for a while, until Spike raced down the stairs, purring and sniffing the air wildly.  
  
"I smell placenta! That'll be aces for me! Cor." Spike picked up Dawn's placenta off the floor and licked it like a lollypop.  
  
"You, are all crazy!" Tara ran back up the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom. She made a circle around her with her fingers and called for a book. With a flurry of bright red and purple lights, a magic book appeared on her lap. She flipped through the pages until she found what she was looking for. "I invoke thee, Hecate. Bring forth the one responsible for this chaos. Hunt him down and bring him to justice!" A blue light swirled around Tara, and swept out into the hall, depositing a large blue ball, which soon transformed into a very small, insignificant demon. Three feet tall, barely twenty pounds heavy, his feet inward-pointing, his eyes bespectacled, the tiny bit of hair on the top of his head styled to ineffectually cover the rest of his knobby head, he looked like the picture of pathetic.  
  
"How dare you bring me to your home, and stuff!," He threatened, in a slightly nasal tone, "I shall smite you to within an inch or a centimeter of things that can't be smited any farther, or something." Tara approached him, hands on her hips, and stared him down.  
  
"You. You did all of this. Why?"  
  
"I am the anti-muse. A member of a group of demons who seek to ruin creativity and talent, and replace it with hackneyed things and pathetic works."  
  
"Why come here?" Joyce walked by.  
  
"Would you like some cookies?"  
  
"You're dead."  
  
"Oh. Ok then." Joyce dropped to the ground and rolled down the stairs.  
  
"Because, there is so much energy to be used against itself. I was drawn here."  
  
"Well, I need you to reverse it, and draw yourself out of here, now."  
  
"Well, how are you going to stop me from just continuing this?"  
  
"Because Dawn and Warren are looking for a new partner, Willow has new whips, Kendra needs help disposing Faith's body, Angel needs a babysitter, Xander needs a new wife cuz Anya is doing a giant bunny in my old room. Hi Anya."  
  
"Hi, Tara."  
  
"Not to mention the fact that Buffy needs a new Lamaze coach, what with Spike licking the blood off the top of the baby's head. Do you want to do any of those-"  
  
"Revert!" And with that the world of Sunnydale became normal again. Save a few things.  
  
"Hey, how did Faith get here, and how come she's mostly dead?" 


End file.
